Throughout my life I have often asked myself, "why not me? Why can't I be like Gabriel?". Almost everyday, the thought of not being on somewhat par with my brother has haunted me. This burden, this shadow, has been one of the most destructive thing in my life. All the pain, all the hatred bottled up inside me. It's been horrible. Pride. Selfish. Disgusting. Pride. Almost every year I look back and all I think is "Gabriel won, I didn't." It has been so hard to live with myself. Even exactly a year ago (to the day) I remember destroying myself over the fact that I wasn't as smart as my brother. It even messes with your head. I've struggled and hated myself because I thought my parents loved my brother more than they loved me just because he was more successful. I've tried so hard these past 16 years to try to live up to that shadow.....that annoyingly large looming shadow of greatness. "Why is he so smart? Why is he so good? Why can't I be like him?"
I think I'm finally starting to realize. It's not about me. I am not Gabriel. There is no shadow. My parents love me, or more importantly, God loves me just the same.
It's not about winning. It's not about being better than my brother. Sometimes our only goal in trying is to some how maybe live up to shadows of other people. It’s not about that. It’s about growing. It’s about loving God. Nothing I do will make Him love me any less. Nothing I do can make Him love me more. If I try for God, I grow. If I try for myself, I fall flat on my face. I finally feel free enough to be proud of the work I put forward, for school and for music, not because it's maybe close to my brother's standard (which unfortunately is totally not true) ... but because it shows that I grew. It shows that I learned more about God. That’s all that matters.
Don't be jealous of your siblings and never ever stop growing.
You are a very wise Younger Sister!:) Thanks for the reminder. As a Younger Sister myself, I can most definitely relate with how you felt/feel.
ReplyDeleteWell Joycelyn, isn't it a suprise that I stumbled onto your blog? Anyway, you must have fought an internal war, right? Being a younger sibling myself, I have always been compared to my brother. What killed me though was that my brother always appeared as this omniscient sage of knowledge. I don't think I've had it as rough as you though, we were into different things. He was interested in history and literature, while I excelled in math and music. It turned out we were jealous of the other's good points! Even though I always appeared as the shabby, lazy brother who would rather spend time with friends or play sports than study or practice, he envied my athletic build and musical talent, while I envied his sharp memory and ability to retain large amounts of information.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you've concluded that the competition is meaningless and need to focus on growing your own talents. At around 15, I also realized it was my brotherly duty to help my brother build his own talents as well. (That part is the bitterest of them all.) Remember, God gave us all talents, with the purpose being to use them for His glory. Be wary that the devil works in very subtle ways, and to remain growing in Christ- remaining steadfast in your beliefs. Being a Seventh-Day Adventist, I remember singing those old songs during Sabbath school, "Give me oil in my lamp keep me burning, burning, burning. Give me oil in my lamp I pray." I pray He'll "keep [us] burning till the end of day." I know you know, but still don't worry about what you can or can't do. Have a good life in Christ- you can do all things in Him who gives you strength! If you need to talk to anyone, go ahead and don't be shy! Your parents are a good suggestion, they'll love you almost as much as God, Uncle Chok and Auntie Andy are very insightful people too, and you can even talk to me; you probably already know who I am, it's so hard to be anonymous. :)