Hugs

...up until i was fourteen i absolutely hated them.  After a while I kinda grew into em...but I never figured out why I did... until probably last night.  So a little background... when I was fourteen I was a pretty lonely kid.  I think that was partly my fault cause I didn't like to trust a lot of ppl.  I'm home schooled so yea the stereotype that we're introverted does carry out a bit.  (that does NOT mean that I'm super anti-social.. you would know if you know me).
   My family's asian... we weren't really touchy, so we weren't exactly used to ppl spawning their body's over us.  I remember when I was seven, It was after church and i was playing with the other kids and we built a boat/ship with the chairs in the fellowship hall.  One of my other friends,  (who was a bit of a bully) told another boy that he didn't have membership rights to our boat.  To gain that membership, first he would have to go into the girl's bathroom for 5 mins (we were 7, this was a big deal).  To my horror, when he came back, my friend told him that he had to hug a girl.  Since I was thee ONLY girl that age in that church he started chasing me around everywhere.  He eventually caught me.  I remember I cried that day... and i couldn't understand why my parent's didn't really care that A BOY actually HUGGED ME (remember I'm seven and I wasn't used to hugs.. and now I kinda laugh at it).
    Looking back at this experience, I realize what a hug meant to me...and maybe still means to me.  Back then I felt so uncomfortable because I felt like my personal space was a violated.  If I wanted to hug a person, that would mean that I would have to trust them.  Idk there's this trust that comes with a full on hug sometimes.  My parents rarely hugged people...or their kids. so for me, being hugged and hugging people would equate to trusting someone with something I didn't even trust my parents with.
  Fast foward, I'm 14.  I still don't hug people, but people hug me... but instead of hugging them back, I kinda just awkwardly stand there with my arms straight.  The closest thing to a hug I would do was maybe a side hug.  I think I only started to do these side hugs because it was a bit rude to just leave em hanging.... even if you tell them that you HATE hugs :P.  So at this point I would try to do half hugs.
   Over these past two years I've made really great friends.  Some from church and some from camp.  But idk i guess i still have issues trusting people with almost anything.... I would just bottle emotions up and burst like a soda can.  Last night I was getting pretty stressed about a term paper I already turned in last week.  We haven't gotten a grade back yet, but I know I didn't write it to my highest standard.  It's not like i didn't try on this paper.  Actually it's quite the opposite, I don't think I've ever spent MORE time editing this paper.  There are just some really big sections that I noticed flaws in that I'm SURE i could have done better.
   Since we have to re-write and expand this term paper, I decided to outline what I had written to make it easier to see what I want to change..  By the time I had gotten done with my outline, I was filled with so much hatred towards myself (Why didn't I fix this??? etc) .. I was beginning to get scared of how mean I could be to myself.  was a pretty dark night.  I realized i had two choices at that point.  I could either keep hating myself and letting it eat me alive... OR I could trust God and trust friends to pray for me.  After a while of debating, I decided to trust some friends and I texted them to pray for me.  I started praying afterwards..  I felt like my four year-old cousin taking his lego car that he keeps breaking and to his dad and saying "daddy fix it".  'Cept it was me that I was taking to God.  Even though they hadn't replied yet, I felt this hug-like experience.  I felt this sense of love... God loves me.  My friends love me. no matter what. Trust is a magical thing.  No fear could ever overcome the power of love.  But you have to trust to feel that love.  I'm really starting to like hugs.