Around this time last year, I was most likely stressing about two things. 1. My upcoming inkling's term paper that I just HAD to get an "A" on (Hadn't gotten an "a" on a term paper all year). 2. My performance of Bach's Partitia in E major, preludio.
Curious thing stress is. Idk, I think it's just my opinion, but I think stress or worry directed towards how well we preform or finish a paper is one of the biggest indicators of pride. We get so caught up on worrying about how we do or how others (maybe even God) will think we did.
Before every violin recital, I remember my teacher telling me to relax and just have fun. This was not possible on two levels. One, I didn't have the technical background to physically relax while preforming, or even practicing, violin. Two, I didn't understand what it meant to have fun while playing. This concept was totally foreign to me. Back then, I believed that having fun meant that you were satisfied with your performance afterwards. This is true in a sense, but my definition of satisfied back then was perfection. After playing my Bach, I just started to feel this strong hatred towards myself. "Why didn't I play it right?!? Why do I suck?" "Why can't violin be fun?", I asked myself.
If you have ever participated in any form of art you will know that perfection is not possible in this field. Forget art, You will never achieve your definition of perfection in any field, nor will you ever fit someone else's definition of perfection. This sounds like thee most depressing thing in the world, but it's actually the most comforting thing. If we know that we can never reach our subjective goals of perfection, then what is the point of worrying that we won't get it? Notice that the only person that REALLY cares how well we did after a performance is not our teacher, or our parents. It's us.
When I was eight years old, I was on my way to a piano recital. I was feeling a bit nervous over how well I would do. I was SO afraid that if I messed up, the other kids would be talking about it for ages to come. When I got the the venue and sat down, I looked around me, and I saw twelve other kids with the same exact scared and worried look on their faces. Suddenly, I felt relief. If those kids were only worried about how they did, then I was playing to a deaf audience. Even if the parents were listening, if I messed up, it would be "cute" to the parents. That day I felt relaxed when I performed piano because I was not playing for myself. I didn't know what I was playing for, but I had fun that day. It's a shame that I lost that mentality when it came to violin though.
When I switched violin teachers a couple months ago, I corrected my technic. For the first time, I was able to physically relax while playing. But I was still very anxious. I kept thinking "I should be so much further along in my studies of violin. I've lost so much time. I should at least be playing a higher leveled song than THAT guy." Then I was reminded music, no life, is NOT a competition. Even if it was, none of my friends or family or God will love me any less if I fail. I stepped on to the platform to play Bach's partita in d minor, Allemande. As the notes vibrated off my violin, I realized what it meant to have fun while playing. I realized why I play violin. Playing with the mindset that God won't love me ANY less or more if I played greatly or played horribly eliminated any stress or worry that I had that night. After all, " Perfect love casts out fear".
Granted, my performance was not perfect, but that made all the difference. Mistakes, of all things, show that we tried. The common response from a parent watching their little child mess-up during a performance is "that's cute, at least they're trying". We are like little children to God. As He watches us perform imperfectly, tears stream down His face as he thinks "They're trying to please me". As a mere child, we will never be able to succeed our heavenly father's expectations. But trying and knowing that God will still love us is all we need for perfection.
Don't stress, don't worry, just try, cause God loves you. Enjoy performances, Enjoy papers, Enjoy life.
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