Humans

...are like cars. cept' we run on love not gas... and when we don't have love, well... we break down, we cry, and we die (figuratively and eventually literally).

Doubting love.

A world without:

"am I good enough?" 
            &
"do they love me?"


A world with:

"My God loves me."
              &
"My family loves me." 
              &
"My friends love me." 


only one catch...

"is it too good to be true?"

On Being A Younger Sibling

          Throughout my life I have often asked myself, "why not me? Why can't I be like Gabriel?".  Almost everyday, the thought of not being on somewhat par with my brother has haunted me.  This burden, this shadow, has been one of the most destructive thing in my life.  All the pain, all the hatred bottled up inside me.  It's been horrible.  Pride.  Selfish. Disgusting. Pride.  Almost every year I look back and all I think is "Gabriel won, I didn't."  It has been so hard to live with myself.  Even exactly a year ago (to the day) I remember destroying myself over the fact that I wasn't as smart as my brother.  It even messes with your head.   I've struggled and hated myself because I thought my parents loved my brother more than they loved me just because he was more successful.  I've tried so hard these past 16 years to try to live up to that shadow.....that annoyingly large looming shadow of greatness.  "Why is he so smart? Why is he so good? Why can't I be like him?"

I think I'm finally starting to realize.  It's not about me.  I am not Gabriel.  There is no shadow. My parents love me, or more importantly, God loves me just the same.

            It's not about winning.  It's not about being better than my brother.  Sometimes our only goal in trying is to some how maybe live up to shadows of other people.  It’s not about that.  It’s about growing.  It’s about loving God.  Nothing I do will make Him love me any less.  Nothing I do can make Him love me more.  If I try for God, I grow.  If I try for myself, I fall flat on my face.  I finally feel free enough to be  proud of the work I put forward, for school and for music, not because it's maybe close to my brother's standard (which unfortunately is totally not true) ... but because it shows that I grew.  It shows that I learned more about God.  That’s all that matters.  


Don't be jealous of your siblings and never ever stop growing.     

Happy Mommy's DAY!!!

...i love you mommy ^_^

   So for mommy day I this from scratch .... Almond Ice cream... Maple peanut butter syrup.. maple peanut butter waffle and frozen bananas :]

The Quest for the Sis: The Origins of the Torrey Academy Thesis Formula

Ok... i lied.. i'm not moving... tumblr is just emotional rambling.. so that's dumb.. anyway..

So instead of doing a reflection essay, my teacher said we could write a short story (500-800 words).  But this story has to be based on a story that we heard and it can't be based on a story that we read or watched.  Mr. Bartel was telling us about the origins of the Torrey Academy Thesis Formula in class one day.  " it all started when Gary Hartenburg was working on his final paper one semester in college.  He just couldn't get the thesis right......."  Here's my take on the story.  As my Psychology Prof. once said "A story doesn't have to be true to be good".  This is for credit, so please... put comments or suggestions.  Otherwise...

                                                              The Quest For the Sis   

Gary stared out the window of his dorm room at the field where his friends were playing a game of soccer.  Instead of enjoying the beautiful sunny day, Gary sat chained to his desk and computer as if he were a slave to his final term paper.  Although he had pulled an all-nighter editing, he still could not help but feel that his paper spelled out the impending doom of his grade.  He just could not get the thesis straight.  Gary wrenched his eyes from the window and stared tiredly back at the blinking cursor.  Oh how it mocked him.  The stationary and rhythmic disappearance and reappearance of the vertical line was a harsh indication of his inability to produce genius. 

His tired mind began to play tricks on him.  The cursor took the form of a fluffy sheep while the text transformed into a white picket fence.  He lazily moved the left and right arrow keys and began to count the little white ball’s leaps across the fence, “1…2…3…”.  His eyelids and muscles grew heavier and heavier, beckoning him to rest.  He gave into his exhaustion and fell into a deep sleep, an experience that only Sleeping Beauty could relate to.

“Thy bidding is simply ridiculous!” exclaimed a masculine voice.  Gary found himself sprawled out on the stone ground of a medieval castle.  He picked himself up and noticed that he was sporting knight’s armor.  Gary turned his head in the direction of the voice and found a similarly clad knight arguing with a crowned man dressed in royal purple robes.  “The Sis has been thought to be a myth for ages Sir Mark, but I saw it forged with my very eyes.  The legendary power of this formula has been rumored to convince even the most stubborn person to conform to user’s ideology.  Our naïve citizens are thwarting to overrule me.  Their uneducated minds would only destroy this Kingdom if given a position of power.  Thou must retrieve the Sis and use it to unite the people’s opinions before the kingdom erupts in a civil war.” instructed purple robed king.  Sir Mark’s eyes widened at the mention of the equation’s power.  Now accepting the reality of such a formula, Sir Mark replied, “But legend tells of a magical protection around the Sis!”  The King said, “Ah, but legend also dictates that a pure heart which seeks only truth can easily bypass the enchanted barrier.  I would trust that thou hast pure intentions?  Nevertheless, Sir Gary, won’t thou accompany Sir Mark and assist him?”  Gary, momentarily shocked to hear his name, hastily acknowledged and agreed to the King’s request. 

Gary and Sir Mark each mounted a winged horse, the only means of travel to the Sis, and beckoned the magical beasts to direct them there.  Gary’s horse immediately took flight at the sound of his request while Sir Mark’s steed began to roughly kick and fly the opposite direction.  Alas, Sir Mark yelled, “arrogant beast, if thou wilt not obey my command, wilt thou follow Sir Gary’s trusty stallion”.  The creature ceased it’s thrashing and flew after Gary’s horse.

After a long and tiring journey, the two horses gracefully descended in front of a dark cavern.  Upon crossing the threshold of the cavern, the two knights heard a deep voice bellow, “From where doest thou cometh and to where art thou going?” 

Gary proclaimed, “We hail from a kingdom where there is fighting amongst the people and we wish to acquire the Sis’s power to unite the people in truth.” 

“Thy intentions pure, proceed.” answered the voice as a door containing the Sis at the back of the cavern opened.

“Sir Mark Wentworth, thy desire to use the Sis to gain the support of the people for thyself is wretched.  Thou shalt not proceed.” Called the voice. 

However, it was too late, Sir Mark had already slipped past the door.  As Gary stretched his hand to pick up the Sis, Sir Mark interceded it and yelled, “It’s mine!  My power! ALL MINE!”.  At the touch of the stone, Sir Mark’s hand literally caught on fire.  He began to burn and scream.  Gary looked closer at the stone.  There was a distinctive scratch between the letters e and s of the first word.  It was engraved:

                            THESIS FORMULA: ALTHOUGH…I THINK…BECAUSE.

           Suddenly, the stench of man odor violated Gary’s nostrils and Gary was thrown back into reality as he awoke to see his sweaty roommate return from the game of soccer.  Gary looked back up at his computer screen and the blinking cursor could mock him no more.  Gary preached the thesis formula to all those who were pure of heart and it became a legend in reality for its uncanny ability to sway the opinions of the stubborn.                

Switching Blogs... again

Soorry... i think tumblr's just so much better though... anyway you can find me here.... http://simplychootwo.tumblr.com/

Hugs

...up until i was fourteen i absolutely hated them.  After a while I kinda grew into em...but I never figured out why I did... until probably last night.  So a little background... when I was fourteen I was a pretty lonely kid.  I think that was partly my fault cause I didn't like to trust a lot of ppl.  I'm home schooled so yea the stereotype that we're introverted does carry out a bit.  (that does NOT mean that I'm super anti-social.. you would know if you know me).
   My family's asian... we weren't really touchy, so we weren't exactly used to ppl spawning their body's over us.  I remember when I was seven, It was after church and i was playing with the other kids and we built a boat/ship with the chairs in the fellowship hall.  One of my other friends,  (who was a bit of a bully) told another boy that he didn't have membership rights to our boat.  To gain that membership, first he would have to go into the girl's bathroom for 5 mins (we were 7, this was a big deal).  To my horror, when he came back, my friend told him that he had to hug a girl.  Since I was thee ONLY girl that age in that church he started chasing me around everywhere.  He eventually caught me.  I remember I cried that day... and i couldn't understand why my parent's didn't really care that A BOY actually HUGGED ME (remember I'm seven and I wasn't used to hugs.. and now I kinda laugh at it).
    Looking back at this experience, I realize what a hug meant to me...and maybe still means to me.  Back then I felt so uncomfortable because I felt like my personal space was a violated.  If I wanted to hug a person, that would mean that I would have to trust them.  Idk there's this trust that comes with a full on hug sometimes.  My parents rarely hugged people...or their kids. so for me, being hugged and hugging people would equate to trusting someone with something I didn't even trust my parents with.
  Fast foward, I'm 14.  I still don't hug people, but people hug me... but instead of hugging them back, I kinda just awkwardly stand there with my arms straight.  The closest thing to a hug I would do was maybe a side hug.  I think I only started to do these side hugs because it was a bit rude to just leave em hanging.... even if you tell them that you HATE hugs :P.  So at this point I would try to do half hugs.
   Over these past two years I've made really great friends.  Some from church and some from camp.  But idk i guess i still have issues trusting people with almost anything.... I would just bottle emotions up and burst like a soda can.  Last night I was getting pretty stressed about a term paper I already turned in last week.  We haven't gotten a grade back yet, but I know I didn't write it to my highest standard.  It's not like i didn't try on this paper.  Actually it's quite the opposite, I don't think I've ever spent MORE time editing this paper.  There are just some really big sections that I noticed flaws in that I'm SURE i could have done better.
   Since we have to re-write and expand this term paper, I decided to outline what I had written to make it easier to see what I want to change..  By the time I had gotten done with my outline, I was filled with so much hatred towards myself (Why didn't I fix this??? etc) .. I was beginning to get scared of how mean I could be to myself.  was a pretty dark night.  I realized i had two choices at that point.  I could either keep hating myself and letting it eat me alive... OR I could trust God and trust friends to pray for me.  After a while of debating, I decided to trust some friends and I texted them to pray for me.  I started praying afterwards..  I felt like my four year-old cousin taking his lego car that he keeps breaking and to his dad and saying "daddy fix it".  'Cept it was me that I was taking to God.  Even though they hadn't replied yet, I felt this hug-like experience.  I felt this sense of love... God loves me.  My friends love me. no matter what. Trust is a magical thing.  No fear could ever overcome the power of love.  But you have to trust to feel that love.  I'm really starting to like hugs.